There have been many times in my life where I have chosen the path I wanted, the path I thought would best serve me. I have seen the destruction of sin in my life and the effect it has on those around me. Sin is a process, sometimes you don't even recognize it at first. One desire, one thought, one decision, one action, thats all you need; one willing step away from God, and you'll find yourself on a downward spiral of instant gratification in the snares of Satan. I have watched myself make wrong decision after wrong decision, fall deeper and deeper into sin; and every time I justified my behavior to myself, to my friends, to my family, and to God. I watched idly as I allowed my sin to tear apart my life piece by piece. I abused the privilege of freedom in Christ, and chose to live out my life fulfilling the desires of my flesh. I thought that because I was a Christian, I could do anything I wanted, and if things got too deep I had the power of Christ on my side and could dig myself out of any hole when necessary. I couldn't of been more wrong! I was able to get myself into sin, but I was not able to pull myself out of sin. My sin had become a part of my identity, I replaced God with the momentary treasures of this world, my heart became entangled in everything other than Christ. I was unable to cry out to God because I had buried Him and hid Him away in my heart, I had no desire for Him anymore. I was veiled to the truth, I was sick and depraved in my sin, so much so that I was numb to the pain because I was drowning in pleasure. I no longer saw my life as compared to Christ's standards, but rather, as compared to what is accepted by the world. My mind and my heart were corrupted and deceived, and I was the one who caused it.
God did not want that life for me!! I was literally brought to the ground in agony because of the conviction God laid on my heart. I saw myself for the wretch I was; the sick, unworthy, abusive, manipulative, deceitful, rundown, sinner that I was (that I am). I was disgusted by who I had become. But in that conviction, God's grace and redemption were poured out on my life like a never ending waterfall. I was covered by His blood, in an instant of recognition, I was forgiven, I was blameless, I was not held accountable, I was innocent! To this day, I still cannot wrap my mind around a love like this. I cannot tell you the humility it brings to be picked up, dusted off, and given a life of worth, status, value, and purpose by the Lord Jesus Christ. I am renewed by the atoning sacrifice of Jesus. He chose me, He died for me. Every lash upon His body, every thought of hatred, every beating, every word of malice, every ounce of condemnation, He took FOR ME!! He suffered and died so a girl like me, a girl who walked away from Him, could experience His amazing love and redemption.
I am so blessed that the gospel is true. That Christ died and rose again so that we could all have eternal life. These days, my life is consumed with God. I want nothing more than to be completely lost in Him. I strive to serve Him, to bring Him glory through my life. There is nothing that I have to offer God, nothing that can repay Him for His salvation, nothing that can measure up. Yet, I have devoted my life to pursuing after Him. To giving Him the glory. To screaming His truth to all the world. My love for God is fueled by my experiential knowledge of His saving grace. I want others to know Him and to experience Him and to love Him, all for His glory. Because I love Him, I WANT to serve Him, I WANT to love Him, I WANT to glorify Him, I WANT to reflect Him. He chose me, and I choose Him. He loved me first, and He loves me still, and He will always love me.
I will continue to make mistakes and bad decisions, but holding firm to God I will not fail. My prayer for the rest of my days is Psalm 139:23-24. My faith is no longer in my own strength, my strength is found in the power of Jesus Christ!!
He is my soul's deepest desire :)
