morning discoveries about Pride

My morning scribbles and learning on Pride.

Pride wears many masks. Pride is not the opposite of low self-esteem. Pride is the opposite of humility. We can have a serious problem that masquerades as low self-esteem. We all struggle with pride issues either thinking too much or too little of ourselves.

Humility in the New Testament comes from a root meaning “to lower oneself or to be brought low.” Scripture gives us specific guidance to visualize the idea. (ex. Isaiah 6:5)

When we see God as He is, we automatically see ourselves as we are. We fall on our faces before His greatness. Low self-esteem is a different matter completely. Low self-esteem means I see myself as low- not because God is great, but because I have so little value.

Don’t miss the paradox. When I recognize the greatness of God, I fall on my face before Him, but I also see myself in a new light. Because I am the loved creation of so great a Maker, I cannot help but be a person of great worth. Low self-esteem has nothing to do with real humility. Pride is self-absorption, whether we’re absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are. Humility on the other hand, is God-focused not self-focused.

We must learn to constantly be on the lookout for pride. We can safely say that if we’re not deliberately taking measures to combat pride, it’s probably doing something to combat humility. Pride is a monumental boulder in the path toward breaking free.

No matter what stronghold you are seeking to demolish, I suggest praying scripture about pride every day. We will never waste our time when we pray about our tendency toward pride and seek to humble ourselves before God.

These are some thoughts God gave me (Beth Moore) in the subject of pride several years ago.

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.

I cheat you of your God-given destiny…

because you demand your own way.

I cheat you of contentment…

because you “deserve better than this.”

I cheat you of knowledge… because you already know it all.

I cheat you of healing… because you’re to full of me to forgive.

I cheat you of holiness…

because you refuse to admit when you’re wrong.

I cheat you of vision…

because you’d rather look in a mirror than out a window.

I cheat you of genuine friendship...

because nobody’s gonna know the real you.

I cheat you of love…

because real romance demands sacrifice.

I cheat you of greatness in heaven…

because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth.

I cheat you of God’s glory…

because I convince you to seek your own.

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.

You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you.

Untrue.

I’m looking to make a fool of you.

God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry…

Stick with me, and

You’ll never know.

Isaiah 6:5, “Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”

(Isaiah standing in the presence of the Lord was brought low because of God’s greatness. But then responded to God with a whole new attitude; one only concerned with God’s glory.)

Because I am the loved creation of so great a Maker, I cannot help but be a person of great worth!

My prayer and hope is to be humbled by God, to be changed by His glory, to fight constantly against pride and strive to be one esteemed by Him- Isaiah 66:2.

being blessed

Within the past couple months I have received blessing after blessing and one act of provision being followed by another. God is so good, all the time. I cannot thank Him enough and be humbled enough by His character. I can see God in my day-to-day activities and He is always willing to amaze me still with His “big and beyond” gestures of love. I am in awe of being chosen by God and continually called to be molded and transformed into a new being that is used to glorify Him. Every day is a constant battle against this world and I am learning each day to use the tools God has provided; prayer, scripture, fellowship, etc., and to go straight to God with it all. He always comes through; He is always steadfast and faithful. I am focusing on finding my joy and satisfaction in who God is, my life should be based on Him not on the circumstances- I want to live every day content in only God.

I am trying not to hold to tight to the blessings I have received- I use them and give thanks for them and praise Him in what I am given;  the Lord gives and takes away, but He is the constant and always worthy of thanks and praise. The more I receive from God and the more I learn from Him, the more I have to offer to people in His name and the more opportunity I have to grow to be used by God. There really is nothing I have to offer, in and of myself that, which this broken and sinful world does not already offer. However, through Christ all things are possible and used for good, for the benefit of the Kingdom of God.

To be honest, I think I have always been kind of weary of blessings. Of course, I loved being blessed and being provided for, whether it was spiritually or physically, I was always willing to be blessed. I was even all for blessing others and rejoicing in others blessings and encouraging them when they seemed to have lost something. But there was always another side of it that was in direct conflict with the desire and appreciation to be blessed. I was scared of blessings, sometimes even to the point of bitterness, I don’t think I truly understood how to be blessed by God. To explain a little, I mean that although I appreciated the blessing, I feared the responsibility and accountability that came with it. Blessings are given to reveal God character to us, and in that we become accountable to the new revelation God has chosen to show us- which is in turn a blessing from God, a way of knowing Him even more intimately. Our blessings are meant to be shared and used as tools to glorify God. Sometimes our blessings are momentary, God provides in our moments of need, and has the freedom and control to change His provision according to His will. In all blessings, thanks and praise needs to be given back to God, and the abundance of His blessing shared.

That is what I was always weary of: weariness over possibly loosing the blessing, weariness over being a steward of what I was given, weariness over sharing all that I was given with others, and weariness over the new accountability to God I had received with His blessing. It sounds so stupid, but I eventually was no longer truly joyful with what God was providing for me. That’s because I was more focused on what was being given or taken away, the result, the tangible evidence- I was missing that point of the blessing, to know God’s character more intimately. God wanted to show me His love, His steadfastness, His grace, His provision, He wanted me to know Him better, and I was completely missing the point. In God’s wonderful love and mercy He has continued to pour out His blessings on me and to reveal to me His beautiful character. That I am thankful for, more than words can say. And it is another blessing to be able to see this in my life now, to be able to look back and to look ahead and know that God is at work and God loves me.  I am brought to my knees with the knowledge that God has not given up on my foolish mind and continues to mold my heart and demonstrate His providence in my life.

God has consistently shown Himself true in my life and the lives of those around me. I have seen big things from God, yet for some reason have not always chosen to believe big. That is changing, with my quiet time and study, I am learning to believe God for who He is and what He does, not just believing in Him. I am praying big, for things only God can do, using scripture to feed my prayers. I am believing big, in things only God can do, using scripture to feed my belief. I am praising big, for all that God is worthy of, using scripture to feed my worship. I know that it is easy to praise God while everything is good and blessings are being poured out, but my prayer is that I am truly thankful for who God is, not only what He has provided. I want to be guarded in my praise and make sure that at all times it is the giver who is receiving my affections, not that which has been given.

How can we not Praise Him?

Lord, You seized me and I couldn’t resist You. I ran for a long time, but You followed me. I took by-paths, but You knew them. You overtook me. I struggled. You won. Here I am Lord, out of breath, no fight left in me, and I’ve said “yes”, almost unwillingly. When I stood there trembling, like one defeated before their captor, Your look of love fell on me. The die is cast, Lord, I cannot forget you. In a moment You conquered me, my doubts are swept away, my fears dispelled. Nothing matters to me, neither my comfort, nor even my life. I desire only You, I want nothing but You.

Why do we call impossible that which God calls possible? Why do we call unforgiveable that which God has forgiven? Why do we compromise with that which God calls sin? How we need to know God's heart and reach out, in His love and wisdom, to others!

Blessed  be the Lamb that was slain…

I praise the wounds and the blood of the Lamb; that heals the weakness of my body. I praise the wounds and the blood of the Lamb; that heals the weakness of my soul. I praise the wounds and the blood of the Lamb, that heals the weakness of my spirit.

I praise the blood of the Lamb; that covers all my sins so they can no longer be seen. I praise the blood of the Lamb; that cleanses me from all my sin. I praise the blood of the Lamb, which is stronger than my own sin-infested blood, and remolds into the image of God. I praise the blood of the Lamb that has the power to free me.

I praise the blood of the Lamb that is victorious. I praise the blood of the Lamb that protects me from all. I praise the blood of the Lamb that prepares me. I praise the blood of the Lamb that makes all things new. Hallelujah!

[But the Lord still waits for you, to show you His love, as He has said. And He, He will conquer you, so that He can bless you with Himself. Rejoice!]

Love Letter to Jesus

I have been reading through a book commentating and breaking down the book Song of Solomon, for women. Through reading this book I am experiencing different aspects and truth about the relationship God desires for me to have, to Him. I have been afforded the privilege of spending one on one time with God and looking at my life, identifying the one true constant at every turn, the love of Christ. I want to express my love, appreciation, and humility to Christ, in every aspect, so to further my intimacy with Him. I have always thought the idea of love letters were romantic and a genuine display of affection, all be it kind of cheesy. I have seen my father write long-hand letters and quick sweet sentiments to my mother, the woman he loves the most, and I as well have received notes of affection from my dad. So, following his example, as well as the example of Christ, and with some inspiration from the book I have been reading through, I want to transcribe my feelings for God in a letter. Jesus Christ is my Savior, my friend, my lover, and my father; and that has never changed, even though many times I have strayed. This is the first time I have ever done anything like this, and to be completely honest I am not 100% comfortable with writing it, but I know it will be worth it. I know that I need to write it, and I want to. I’m not sure what the end result will be, but here it goes…

To the One who loves me most,

            Most elementary school students are able to pen a simple list of affections and attributes of the person they desire. As you are longingly aware, I rarely am able to, and even when inspired, I do it poorly.

Did I miss the line for self-control? Did I skip the class on patience and longsuffering? Maybe I was pursuing a different goal when everyone was learning about contentment. And let’s not forget how I jump at the chance of being vulnerable. Yet, I find my desire for these things very real. This desire surfaces when I wish to submit to You in the course of that which is given to me. Almost every day, in the midst of true chaos, sometimes while I am working in the office or driving in traffic, I long for you. I am never sure of what sparks this desire, especially when I am justifiably preoccupied, but nevertheless, my mind is brought back to You.

Your providence (God’s providence) seems most clear when I am reviewing my life, and there You are. What I did not even know I needed, You provided. This unending, tolerant, forgiving love. The love that desires me even when I don’t desire even myself. This nonjudgmental, secure love. Your love that endures my disposition, my demeanor. This love relaxes, enjoys, and shares. It brings me to its source like a flower reaching for the sun.

I acknowledge that I cannot be afforded the credit for our relationship, and as I break down the layers of all that we have been through, the answers to “How does it work? What’s the secret? How do we keep moving forward?” have never been more evident. The answer is You. It remains that what I treasure most, is Your love. I can’t help but smile.  It excites me, comforts me, heals me. It binds me to You, protects me, nurtures my grievances, strengthens my resolve, motivates and prompts me to love in a like manner. Your love gives way to my life.

As I spend more time growing in You, I find contentment and joy. As I reflect on the past, I see where You offered pleasure and completeness. I am excited by those days, no less than the eagerness and anticipation I have for the days and years to come.

I resolve to love in the way that I have been loved. I resolve to pursue and allow pursuit. I am resolved to love, dare I say “to love You well,” for I am loved well, by the only One who can love me perfectly.

Striving to love like You, Amanda

update.....

Sorry it has been just a long time since I have been able to upload a blog and give you all some information of what I have been up to these past couple of weeks. The internet here has been very sporadic so I have been unable to spend an ample amount of time on the internet in order to upload this blog. A lot has happened in these past few weeks, so I will do my best to update you  J

Well it is currently mid February… lets see. We currently have 14 female volunteers here, all living under one roof. Plenty of time for fellowship and community, it is a hug blessing to have such good family among the volunteers here. We have all been assigned to daily responsibilities in different yards, working with different people. I have been assigned to the Big Girls yard, some of my duties include, set-up/clean-up before and after meal times, checking the house for cleanliness, and combing through the girls hair each evening for lice. I love the older girls, they are a little tough and the dynamic is much different than trying to get to know the younger kids, but I love them. They are wonderful girls who just want another friend and who have amazing stories to tell and beautiful lives to live. I have made really good friends with a couple of the girls, others I am still working on, but I know God is control of all my relationships here.

I am working through a little bit of a cold right now, some sort of allergy, and/or allergic reaction. I woke up with my eye swollen, just as I had before, with a spider bite,  however this time I believe it to be part of my sickness. It’s nothing I cant handle, but it stinks having to sit inside and hear all the kids playing outside from my window, I just want to go out and play with them, but I know that I need to stay healthy, so I am doing what the doctor ordered. I also just recently got through a parasite cleanse, 3 days, and I am parasite free. That was no fun to have a bug growing in my belly; this may be too much information, but my body literally, before I completed the flush, had not flushed anything out of my body, besides peeing only twice a day, for a total of 8 days. It was rough. But as I said I am healthy now and going full throttle. Just the average cold and allergies for me.

Dr. Don Reynolds and his amazingly large team are here for the month of February. They are amazing, such a blessing to every single person here. They cook 3 large American meals a day, which we, the volunteers, are invited to every meal. Its so funny because they offer us such large portions, but because we are use to such small portions here, it is hard to eat all the food, my stomach has shrunk, so I get so full quickly, which is a good thing, I think. Anyways, the team does a lot of rebuilding here at the orphanage. They do dental work for every kid and staff an volunteer member, free of charge. They also play with the kids and give them tons of candy, which of course spoils them . They are really just great people to have here, unlike any other team that comes though.

Um, I’m not sure what else to write currently, this is harder than I thought. But I want all of you to know that I truly appreciate your prayers and support. It means a lot to me to know that I have family and support back home. I miss you all so much and I pray for you all often. God is doing such a great work in this place and in my life. I am learning the language, being able to understand and communicate more with the kids. I am growing in my relationship with Christ, in that I can see Him more and more clearly displayed in every aspect of my daily life. I am blessed to know God and to be learning and growing in Him. He is the only thing and person and God I can rely on, He is my rest, my strength, my joy, my ability, He is everything to me, and I love that I am being able to recognize and move forward in that. Its just wonderfully amazing and beautiful. I love this place, who God has made me to be in this place, what God is doing in this place.

I love and miss my family, of course. My beautiful mother who is my best friend and the woman I want to be and I couldn’t live without, I miss her so much, her wisdom and her beauty and her love and her presence. My father who is my rock and my confidant and my go-to guy for anything, I miss his understanding and love. And my brother Jonathan, who is such a blessing in my life, my buddy, my gift from God, I miss his smile and the time we spend together. More so than just the individual things that I miss about them, I miss them just being around and they’re embrace around me. But I am so happy to be here with God, I wouldn’t trade this time for anything. But I often think of my family who helped to bring me to this place in my life, this place in Honduras, and the place I am at in my relationship with them. God has blessed me thoroughly, and I would be a fool not to see it and say it.  I love you guys J xoxoxoxo

Well I think this is all I have, and I promise to do my best at keeping you updated and letting you know how things are going.  Bye.

Morning Clinic

So there is this bug called a Torsella (not sure if I spelled it right, but your pronounce it the way it's spelled), and it is kinda like a combination of a bee and a mosquito, its brown and yellow. It bites you, and when it does, it lays a worm beneath your skin, relatively deep under your skin. But you don't feel the bite, its like a 10 second interaction with the bug. Anyways, once the worm is in you, you swell up, and you get an infection. The only way, well the way we do it here, is to squeeze the worm out, like a pimple. The worm has to come up for air, to the surface of your skin, so that is the best time to squeeze it out. Meanwhile, while your squeezing and trying to get the worm out, green puss is coming out and blood and all kinds of infected body fluids, its quite gross. And it hurts, extremely bad, to get it out, and sometimes its not a one time process, sometimes it can take a few days. Its crazy.

A boy came into the clinic this morning, with a Torsella. I personally had to help squeeze the infection and worm out. The bite was on his cheek, about an inch from his mouth, and the whole side of his face is swollen. The place where the torsella was laying under his skin is rock hard, you can literally feel where the worm it. Bleh! He works on the farm out here, which is the most common place to get bit, because of all the trees and brush and grass. The bugs aren't too common, at least the bites aren't, but obviously it does happen. Anyways, this kid was a trooper, you could tell it hurt so bad, but he didn't cry, he just sat there and let us do what we needed to do. We got out a lot of the infection, blood and green puss were flowing out of his cheek, and part of the worm, but the rest of the worm still has to come out. I really wanna see what this worm looks like, but who knows if i will have the clinic shift when the worm finally pops out. For his sake, I hope it comes out soon, it sucks to have to go through all the pain of getting it out over the course of days. But like I said, he did great!!

Anyways, just wanted to share the intensity with you all, its been fun experiencing it firsthand lol. But needless to say, all us volunteers, and I can definitely say for myself, are nervous about getting bit by one of these bugs. Bug spray is essential, practically like lotion lol. So yea, thats a little bit of the "fun" going on here.

Love you guys :)

Oh Honduras

So my first week here has almost come to an end. It has already been such an amazing, wonderful, and chaotic adventure. lets see if I can somewhat document whats been going on... my friend missed her flight, so I traveled alone. my luggage arrived two days after I did. I met 10 other volunteers in one day. I woke up at 530am, multiple mornings, to bathe and feed toddlers. I walked around the Orphanage grounds approximately 4 times (no small feat). I have a horrible TOMS shoe tan. I had my hair done by a 3 year old (and it looked better than anything I've ever done). I was reunited with kids and staff I had known before. I met some amazing  beautiful kids. I administered medical attention to kids. I wore skirts and t-shirts all day. I stayed overnight and cared for an 8 month old suffering from pneumonia and malnutrition in the clinic. I got bit by foreign mosquitos. I sat and talked with some great girls. I visited town and bought a few groceries. I cooked. I cleaned rooms, bedsheets, clothes, bathrooms, etc. I have spent time admiring God. I have done so much, and all in such a short period of time, and I LOVE IT ALL. There is so much I am thankful for, that I have seen and learned, where God is the only source of the blessing of serving here. God is opening my eyes and my heart and my mind, and is wonderfully exceeding my expectations. 


Tonight, myself and the other volunteers and I had the opportunity to go up to Mami y Papi's House, to visit with David and Lydia, the founders, and parents of the Orphanage. It was great time of fellowship. While there were, while so many other conversations were taking place, I was constantly drawn to Mami (Lydia). Everything she said was full of God, and I mean each word resonated with His glory. She saw God in everything. I couldn't not listen to her or watch her talk. She is filled with the Holy Spirit. Everything that she talks about, every memory she has, every thought she thinks, all of it leads her back to God, to His scriptures, and she shares it (tells us) with us. From the call of a child to the opening of a door, she sees God in it. She is such a wonderful woman, a great blessing to myself, to the volunteers, and to all of her wonderful children; all 482 of them :) I was sitting at the table soaking in the Spirit that was seeping from within her, and my eyes were filling with tears, I want what she has. I want to grow in my relationship with God so that the Spirit is so blatantly seen by all I am in contact with. I want her joy. her peace. her trust. her love. I admire the work of the Holy Spirit in her life, I give God the glory..... I wish you all could meet her and see her and know her, even if only for a brief minute. I could see Christ so clearly in her, I am getting emotional even as I write this, it was so beautiful to see God displayed through her. 


I was so blessed this evening, I am so excited about growing in Christ, about seeing God work in my life more and more as the days and minutes and seconds go by. I cannot wait to reach my full potential in Christ. I am so enamored with Him, I want nothing else but Jesus. He is amazing, I am blessed to call him Abba. I am praying the He would teach me and show me how to be more like Him through my time here. 


I love you Jesus. 
I love you friends. praying for you.