Nagging dissatisfcation... Where are you looking?

Part of my studying has led me over to Isaiah, focusing closely on chapter 44 (great chapter by the way). I am learning about satisfaction and blessed dissatisfaction. Blessed dissatisfaction is what brought me to Isaiah.

Israel was chosen by God. “But now hear, O Jacob my servant, Israel whom I have chosen! Thus says the Lord who made you, who formed you from the womb and will help you: Fear not, O Jacob my servant, Jeshurun whom I have chosen.” (Isaiah 44:1-2) Isaiah concluded that he saw no sign of God’s presence among His people. God has promised not to abandon them (Isaiah 21), and He didn’t. But where sin is rampant, God is certainly capable of shrinking the presence of the Holy Spirit and leaving virtually no signs of His presence. The nation of Israel had been given everything, yet they refused to receive and be satisfied. They traded what their hearts could know for what their eyes could see. I, like Israel, have experienced the withdrawing of God’s obvious presence in my life in seasons of sin.

Israel had submitted to idolatry (Isaiah 44:9-20). We are given descriptions from these verses about the destructiveness of idols: can profit nothing (v.10), ultimately reap shame (v.11), failure to meet needs (v.12). People can become so engrossed in their idols that even their physical needs are no longer being met. Sound familiar? For me it does. In verse 13, we see that idols can also be made in the form of humans. At some point everyone has exalted a thing or person in the place of Christ.

Even after we see the cataloged evidence of Israel’s idolatry, we are humbled by God’s promise, “You will not be forgotten by me.” (v.21) The mercy of God is indescribable! Even when His people turned to idols (turned away from God), He swept away their offenses like a cloud, their sins like a morning mist (v.22). Even as we face some of the idols we have worshipped in our quest for satisfaction, we need never doubt the mercy of God! Also in verse 22, God asks us for one thing in His outpouring of mercy, “Return to me, for I have redeemed you!” Despite all the sin, despite all the mistakes, the idolatry, the filth, the disobedience, despite everything, God wants me, wants us, to return to Him. He is always calling His people back to Himself! Praise God.

God created a void for Him in our lives, and it demands attention. We desperately look for something to satisfy us and fill the empty places. Our craving to be filled is so strong that the moment something or someone seems to meet our need, even momentarily, we feel an overwhelming temptation to worship it. And I’m not necessarily talking about falling on the floor at its/their feet and lifting your hands in awe, but the simple act of turning all your affections towards it/them and seeking after it/them to fulfill you. The way you live, the way you think, the way you feel, all of that can be in worship of an idol.

Even with all of the powerful, insightful, and thought provoking verses in Isaiah chapter 44; I found that verse 20 was probably the most convicting. “He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himself, or say ‘is not this thing in my right hand a lie?” (Isaiah 44:20) Fresh conviction washes over me like a storm! How many times have I fed on ashes instead of feasting on the life-giving Word of God? How many times has my deluded heart misled me? How many times have I tried to save myself? Too many times, each time requiring the powerful and merciful hand of God.

I could fall on my face, right now in this moment, and praise God for all eternity for awakening me to say, “This thing in my right hand is a lie.” I can remember many instances, but one more recent, that I held on with a virtual death grip. But I also remember the harrowing moment God opened my eyes and refocused my heart to what lie I had believed. I cried for days.

I had allowed myself to believe a lie and saw it as good. My heart, handicapped by malnourishment, had deluded me. Although, I would never have acknowledged this at the time, I had bowed down and worshiped that sin, finding pleasure in the midst of its destructiveness. My only consolation in my idolatry and sinfulness is that I finally allowed God to loosen my fingers and peel away my hand. Now I am striving to hold tightly to God outstretched and unwavering hand. Yes, I plunged to the darkest depths to discover satisfaction. Sadly, I often learn things the hard way. I pray to settle for nothing less the rest of my days. I am very aware of Satan’s pattern and technique to constantly cast temptations and idols before me- I hope never to forget again that I can fall!!

Only God can satisfy. He is the truth that sets us free. We have to ask ourselves, if we are holding anything in your craving for satisfaction, are we willing to acknowledge it as a lie? Even if we feel we cannot not let go of it at this moment, we need to lift it before God and confess it as an idol. God does not condemn you. He calls you. Will I, will you, open your hand to Him? He is opening His hand to me and you. His arms and hand have always been outstretched for us; He has the scars to prove it J

Isaiah 44:21-22, “Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant; I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.” Amen. Thank you Lord for your love and mercy and faithfulness.

Held Captive by a lack of Satisfaction

When we seek satisfaction in the wrong places, we not only doom ourselves, we become downright dangerous to others. We need to get the message clearly through our skulls that God never intended any other earthly relationship to fulfill our deepest needs. We can easily be led into captivity by seeking other answers to needs and desire only God can meet. Maybe we have all experienced an empty place deep inside that we tried our best to ignore or to fill with something other than God, I know I have. But part of living in our liberation in Christ is allowing Him to fill our empty places. And that doesn’t mean a life full of activities, but a soul full of Jesus.

God intends for us to find satisfaction in Him; complete, lasting, soul-quenching, emptiness-filling satisfaction. We need to realize that God desires for us to find genuine satisfaction in Him, which will help us, overcome our idolatry: settling for satisfaction with anything other than God. And that’s a big problem, for two reasons I see; first- there is only One true God, second- we are settling for less and for upset if we search for satisfaction in anything other than the One true God. Anything we try to put in a place where God belongs is an idol.

One mystery I will never fully understand is why I, why we as believers, would trade God, the only source of genuine satisfaction, for worthless idols that will never truly satisfy. Yet that transaction calls to me and calls to believers every day of our lives. In that case, we need a simple goal for our satisfaction. We must recognize that God and God alone can satisfy- it’s so simple as believing God is who He says He is. That solution also challenges our belief system- can I, can believers, honestly say that they believe that God is God, and it needs to be asked of ourselves, is God really enough to satisfy me, do I trust that?! The answer is a most unwavering YES HE IS GOD and YES IS ENOUGH, but we have to live like we truly believe that, in pursuit of His all encompassing satisfaction. We must confess our unfaithfulness as the idolatry that it is and seek Him only.

Our lives have been sanctified by the One true God. Heaven is His throne. Earth is His footstool. The winds do His bidding. The clouds are His chariot. The earth trembles at the sound of His voice. When He stands to His feet, His enemies are scattered. He is transcendent over all things. Absolute. Uncontested. Omniscient. Omnipresent. The Lord God omnipotent reigns! He is God, and there is no other!

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord; let every creature praise his holy name forever and ever. (Psalms 145:16-21)

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does no satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the riches of fare.” (Isaiah 55:1-2)

In the above passage, God starts by freely offering nourishment and provision to all those who are in need, all those who are looking for a space to fill, that, as we see, only God can perfectly and consistently provide and satisfy. Then He asks, why work for and search for that which cannot satisfy; why do you work for things that are never enough, can never fill you, and are endlessly insufficient?! We fall short of satisfaction in this world because it is not in Christ, but instead of Christ. But if Christ is the reason for our satisfcation and our reason for pursuit we will most definitely experience satisfaction, God-given satisfaction! He promises us, and God is faithful and true, and will fulfill all that He has said He will.

morning discoveries about Pride

My morning scribbles and learning on Pride.

Pride wears many masks. Pride is not the opposite of low self-esteem. Pride is the opposite of humility. We can have a serious problem that masquerades as low self-esteem. We all struggle with pride issues either thinking too much or too little of ourselves.

Humility in the New Testament comes from a root meaning “to lower oneself or to be brought low.” Scripture gives us specific guidance to visualize the idea. (ex. Isaiah 6:5)

When we see God as He is, we automatically see ourselves as we are. We fall on our faces before His greatness. Low self-esteem is a different matter completely. Low self-esteem means I see myself as low- not because God is great, but because I have so little value.

Don’t miss the paradox. When I recognize the greatness of God, I fall on my face before Him, but I also see myself in a new light. Because I am the loved creation of so great a Maker, I cannot help but be a person of great worth. Low self-esteem has nothing to do with real humility. Pride is self-absorption, whether we’re absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are. Humility on the other hand, is God-focused not self-focused.

We must learn to constantly be on the lookout for pride. We can safely say that if we’re not deliberately taking measures to combat pride, it’s probably doing something to combat humility. Pride is a monumental boulder in the path toward breaking free.

No matter what stronghold you are seeking to demolish, I suggest praying scripture about pride every day. We will never waste our time when we pray about our tendency toward pride and seek to humble ourselves before God.

These are some thoughts God gave me (Beth Moore) in the subject of pride several years ago.

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.

I cheat you of your God-given destiny…

because you demand your own way.

I cheat you of contentment…

because you “deserve better than this.”

I cheat you of knowledge… because you already know it all.

I cheat you of healing… because you’re to full of me to forgive.

I cheat you of holiness…

because you refuse to admit when you’re wrong.

I cheat you of vision…

because you’d rather look in a mirror than out a window.

I cheat you of genuine friendship...

because nobody’s gonna know the real you.

I cheat you of love…

because real romance demands sacrifice.

I cheat you of greatness in heaven…

because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth.

I cheat you of God’s glory…

because I convince you to seek your own.

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.

You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you.

Untrue.

I’m looking to make a fool of you.

God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry…

Stick with me, and

You’ll never know.

Isaiah 6:5, “Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”

(Isaiah standing in the presence of the Lord was brought low because of God’s greatness. But then responded to God with a whole new attitude; one only concerned with God’s glory.)

Because I am the loved creation of so great a Maker, I cannot help but be a person of great worth!

My prayer and hope is to be humbled by God, to be changed by His glory, to fight constantly against pride and strive to be one esteemed by Him- Isaiah 66:2.

being blessed

Within the past couple months I have received blessing after blessing and one act of provision being followed by another. God is so good, all the time. I cannot thank Him enough and be humbled enough by His character. I can see God in my day-to-day activities and He is always willing to amaze me still with His “big and beyond” gestures of love. I am in awe of being chosen by God and continually called to be molded and transformed into a new being that is used to glorify Him. Every day is a constant battle against this world and I am learning each day to use the tools God has provided; prayer, scripture, fellowship, etc., and to go straight to God with it all. He always comes through; He is always steadfast and faithful. I am focusing on finding my joy and satisfaction in who God is, my life should be based on Him not on the circumstances- I want to live every day content in only God.

I am trying not to hold to tight to the blessings I have received- I use them and give thanks for them and praise Him in what I am given;  the Lord gives and takes away, but He is the constant and always worthy of thanks and praise. The more I receive from God and the more I learn from Him, the more I have to offer to people in His name and the more opportunity I have to grow to be used by God. There really is nothing I have to offer, in and of myself that, which this broken and sinful world does not already offer. However, through Christ all things are possible and used for good, for the benefit of the Kingdom of God.

To be honest, I think I have always been kind of weary of blessings. Of course, I loved being blessed and being provided for, whether it was spiritually or physically, I was always willing to be blessed. I was even all for blessing others and rejoicing in others blessings and encouraging them when they seemed to have lost something. But there was always another side of it that was in direct conflict with the desire and appreciation to be blessed. I was scared of blessings, sometimes even to the point of bitterness, I don’t think I truly understood how to be blessed by God. To explain a little, I mean that although I appreciated the blessing, I feared the responsibility and accountability that came with it. Blessings are given to reveal God character to us, and in that we become accountable to the new revelation God has chosen to show us- which is in turn a blessing from God, a way of knowing Him even more intimately. Our blessings are meant to be shared and used as tools to glorify God. Sometimes our blessings are momentary, God provides in our moments of need, and has the freedom and control to change His provision according to His will. In all blessings, thanks and praise needs to be given back to God, and the abundance of His blessing shared.

That is what I was always weary of: weariness over possibly loosing the blessing, weariness over being a steward of what I was given, weariness over sharing all that I was given with others, and weariness over the new accountability to God I had received with His blessing. It sounds so stupid, but I eventually was no longer truly joyful with what God was providing for me. That’s because I was more focused on what was being given or taken away, the result, the tangible evidence- I was missing that point of the blessing, to know God’s character more intimately. God wanted to show me His love, His steadfastness, His grace, His provision, He wanted me to know Him better, and I was completely missing the point. In God’s wonderful love and mercy He has continued to pour out His blessings on me and to reveal to me His beautiful character. That I am thankful for, more than words can say. And it is another blessing to be able to see this in my life now, to be able to look back and to look ahead and know that God is at work and God loves me.  I am brought to my knees with the knowledge that God has not given up on my foolish mind and continues to mold my heart and demonstrate His providence in my life.

God has consistently shown Himself true in my life and the lives of those around me. I have seen big things from God, yet for some reason have not always chosen to believe big. That is changing, with my quiet time and study, I am learning to believe God for who He is and what He does, not just believing in Him. I am praying big, for things only God can do, using scripture to feed my prayers. I am believing big, in things only God can do, using scripture to feed my belief. I am praising big, for all that God is worthy of, using scripture to feed my worship. I know that it is easy to praise God while everything is good and blessings are being poured out, but my prayer is that I am truly thankful for who God is, not only what He has provided. I want to be guarded in my praise and make sure that at all times it is the giver who is receiving my affections, not that which has been given.

How can we not Praise Him?

Lord, You seized me and I couldn’t resist You. I ran for a long time, but You followed me. I took by-paths, but You knew them. You overtook me. I struggled. You won. Here I am Lord, out of breath, no fight left in me, and I’ve said “yes”, almost unwillingly. When I stood there trembling, like one defeated before their captor, Your look of love fell on me. The die is cast, Lord, I cannot forget you. In a moment You conquered me, my doubts are swept away, my fears dispelled. Nothing matters to me, neither my comfort, nor even my life. I desire only You, I want nothing but You.

Why do we call impossible that which God calls possible? Why do we call unforgiveable that which God has forgiven? Why do we compromise with that which God calls sin? How we need to know God's heart and reach out, in His love and wisdom, to others!

Blessed  be the Lamb that was slain…

I praise the wounds and the blood of the Lamb; that heals the weakness of my body. I praise the wounds and the blood of the Lamb; that heals the weakness of my soul. I praise the wounds and the blood of the Lamb, that heals the weakness of my spirit.

I praise the blood of the Lamb; that covers all my sins so they can no longer be seen. I praise the blood of the Lamb; that cleanses me from all my sin. I praise the blood of the Lamb, which is stronger than my own sin-infested blood, and remolds into the image of God. I praise the blood of the Lamb that has the power to free me.

I praise the blood of the Lamb that is victorious. I praise the blood of the Lamb that protects me from all. I praise the blood of the Lamb that prepares me. I praise the blood of the Lamb that makes all things new. Hallelujah!

[But the Lord still waits for you, to show you His love, as He has said. And He, He will conquer you, so that He can bless you with Himself. Rejoice!]

Love Letter to Jesus

I have been reading through a book commentating and breaking down the book Song of Solomon, for women. Through reading this book I am experiencing different aspects and truth about the relationship God desires for me to have, to Him. I have been afforded the privilege of spending one on one time with God and looking at my life, identifying the one true constant at every turn, the love of Christ. I want to express my love, appreciation, and humility to Christ, in every aspect, so to further my intimacy with Him. I have always thought the idea of love letters were romantic and a genuine display of affection, all be it kind of cheesy. I have seen my father write long-hand letters and quick sweet sentiments to my mother, the woman he loves the most, and I as well have received notes of affection from my dad. So, following his example, as well as the example of Christ, and with some inspiration from the book I have been reading through, I want to transcribe my feelings for God in a letter. Jesus Christ is my Savior, my friend, my lover, and my father; and that has never changed, even though many times I have strayed. This is the first time I have ever done anything like this, and to be completely honest I am not 100% comfortable with writing it, but I know it will be worth it. I know that I need to write it, and I want to. I’m not sure what the end result will be, but here it goes…

To the One who loves me most,

            Most elementary school students are able to pen a simple list of affections and attributes of the person they desire. As you are longingly aware, I rarely am able to, and even when inspired, I do it poorly.

Did I miss the line for self-control? Did I skip the class on patience and longsuffering? Maybe I was pursuing a different goal when everyone was learning about contentment. And let’s not forget how I jump at the chance of being vulnerable. Yet, I find my desire for these things very real. This desire surfaces when I wish to submit to You in the course of that which is given to me. Almost every day, in the midst of true chaos, sometimes while I am working in the office or driving in traffic, I long for you. I am never sure of what sparks this desire, especially when I am justifiably preoccupied, but nevertheless, my mind is brought back to You.

Your providence (God’s providence) seems most clear when I am reviewing my life, and there You are. What I did not even know I needed, You provided. This unending, tolerant, forgiving love. The love that desires me even when I don’t desire even myself. This nonjudgmental, secure love. Your love that endures my disposition, my demeanor. This love relaxes, enjoys, and shares. It brings me to its source like a flower reaching for the sun.

I acknowledge that I cannot be afforded the credit for our relationship, and as I break down the layers of all that we have been through, the answers to “How does it work? What’s the secret? How do we keep moving forward?” have never been more evident. The answer is You. It remains that what I treasure most, is Your love. I can’t help but smile.  It excites me, comforts me, heals me. It binds me to You, protects me, nurtures my grievances, strengthens my resolve, motivates and prompts me to love in a like manner. Your love gives way to my life.

As I spend more time growing in You, I find contentment and joy. As I reflect on the past, I see where You offered pleasure and completeness. I am excited by those days, no less than the eagerness and anticipation I have for the days and years to come.

I resolve to love in the way that I have been loved. I resolve to pursue and allow pursuit. I am resolved to love, dare I say “to love You well,” for I am loved well, by the only One who can love me perfectly.

Striving to love like You, Amanda

update.....

Sorry it has been just a long time since I have been able to upload a blog and give you all some information of what I have been up to these past couple of weeks. The internet here has been very sporadic so I have been unable to spend an ample amount of time on the internet in order to upload this blog. A lot has happened in these past few weeks, so I will do my best to update you  J

Well it is currently mid February… lets see. We currently have 14 female volunteers here, all living under one roof. Plenty of time for fellowship and community, it is a hug blessing to have such good family among the volunteers here. We have all been assigned to daily responsibilities in different yards, working with different people. I have been assigned to the Big Girls yard, some of my duties include, set-up/clean-up before and after meal times, checking the house for cleanliness, and combing through the girls hair each evening for lice. I love the older girls, they are a little tough and the dynamic is much different than trying to get to know the younger kids, but I love them. They are wonderful girls who just want another friend and who have amazing stories to tell and beautiful lives to live. I have made really good friends with a couple of the girls, others I am still working on, but I know God is control of all my relationships here.

I am working through a little bit of a cold right now, some sort of allergy, and/or allergic reaction. I woke up with my eye swollen, just as I had before, with a spider bite,  however this time I believe it to be part of my sickness. It’s nothing I cant handle, but it stinks having to sit inside and hear all the kids playing outside from my window, I just want to go out and play with them, but I know that I need to stay healthy, so I am doing what the doctor ordered. I also just recently got through a parasite cleanse, 3 days, and I am parasite free. That was no fun to have a bug growing in my belly; this may be too much information, but my body literally, before I completed the flush, had not flushed anything out of my body, besides peeing only twice a day, for a total of 8 days. It was rough. But as I said I am healthy now and going full throttle. Just the average cold and allergies for me.

Dr. Don Reynolds and his amazingly large team are here for the month of February. They are amazing, such a blessing to every single person here. They cook 3 large American meals a day, which we, the volunteers, are invited to every meal. Its so funny because they offer us such large portions, but because we are use to such small portions here, it is hard to eat all the food, my stomach has shrunk, so I get so full quickly, which is a good thing, I think. Anyways, the team does a lot of rebuilding here at the orphanage. They do dental work for every kid and staff an volunteer member, free of charge. They also play with the kids and give them tons of candy, which of course spoils them . They are really just great people to have here, unlike any other team that comes though.

Um, I’m not sure what else to write currently, this is harder than I thought. But I want all of you to know that I truly appreciate your prayers and support. It means a lot to me to know that I have family and support back home. I miss you all so much and I pray for you all often. God is doing such a great work in this place and in my life. I am learning the language, being able to understand and communicate more with the kids. I am growing in my relationship with Christ, in that I can see Him more and more clearly displayed in every aspect of my daily life. I am blessed to know God and to be learning and growing in Him. He is the only thing and person and God I can rely on, He is my rest, my strength, my joy, my ability, He is everything to me, and I love that I am being able to recognize and move forward in that. Its just wonderfully amazing and beautiful. I love this place, who God has made me to be in this place, what God is doing in this place.

I love and miss my family, of course. My beautiful mother who is my best friend and the woman I want to be and I couldn’t live without, I miss her so much, her wisdom and her beauty and her love and her presence. My father who is my rock and my confidant and my go-to guy for anything, I miss his understanding and love. And my brother Jonathan, who is such a blessing in my life, my buddy, my gift from God, I miss his smile and the time we spend together. More so than just the individual things that I miss about them, I miss them just being around and they’re embrace around me. But I am so happy to be here with God, I wouldn’t trade this time for anything. But I often think of my family who helped to bring me to this place in my life, this place in Honduras, and the place I am at in my relationship with them. God has blessed me thoroughly, and I would be a fool not to see it and say it.  I love you guys J xoxoxoxo

Well I think this is all I have, and I promise to do my best at keeping you updated and letting you know how things are going.  Bye.